Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Panic attack and anxiety disorder 1

The reason why i wrote abt this is (by His will), I want to heal myself also others who are or were in the same situation as me.

I had the first attack when I was having pathphysiology class on thursday. About a month ago. At that time, my prof was teaching abt death spiral. Seriously I wasnt thinking abt anything on that time. Surely not abt death.

But suddenly, without a warning, I felt my heart beat very loudly, and then it started to beat very fast. I started to breathe very fast because I felt like I was in short of oxygen. And it became worst when I think that if I myself didnt get enough oxygen supply, I will be dead. And in my book was written " 7-8 min no oxygen=dead". My hands and feet started to sweat a lot and I was shivering terribly as I felt really cold. Then, I started to have cramps. I cannot even straighten my hand. I told my friend next to me to help me as I felt like I was dying. I felt like something was in my throat. I became really panic when I remember that someone will feel like this when he/she is going to die because his/her soul will be in there. I started to feel very weak and it was barely hard for me to open my eyes. The feeling was like you are really tired and sleepy.

Then my prof asked me to stay calm and move my hand and body. She asked me to take a deep breath and sit like in the situation you have dyspnea ( google it, because the method really helps you). And then I drank the hot chocolate bought by my friend. After a while, like a miracle, i do feel better.

My prof said it was due to hypomagnesemia. Since I am a very slim and small. I thought that it might be true because I do ate less food with magnesium such as spinach, nuts, milk. After the lecture, and went back home, I felt nothing was wrong with myself. I felt very well as nothing happened before. It was just like a dream. To avoid bad things happen, I bought myself bottle of magnesia (a type of mineral water with large content in magnesium) and milks. I did make a research on internet abt my condition. By looking at the symptoms, I did think that it was due to hypomagnesemia. And the weekend past just like that as nothing happened.

However, during monday, in the the lecture, when I was just trying to focus, I started to feel some chills. Then, sadly the same symptoms came again. I did try to calm myself by drinking some water and ate some sweets. However, I tried to bear these symptoms for about 1 hour! As I felt like I cannot hold it anymore, I ran out from the lecture. So, what actually did happen? to be continued...



Thursday, October 17, 2013

Penat

mungkin ramai yang sangka life as a medical student
study+test+exam+kelas pagi ke petang=penat
tapi aku yang dulu (eheh?) tak rasa camtu
lama aku amek masa, merenung masa lampau~
 
dan baru aku paham, sebenarnya untuk aku
hidup dengan expectation orang lain=penat gilos

sekarang, aku bangun tidur benda first yang aku akan fikir,
"oh, aku kena pegi lecture sebab nanti tak nak org lain pk aku fail exam sbb aku xg lecture"
pastu bila dalam lecture aku akan fikir
"oh, aku takleh tidur ni sebab kalau aku tido, aku tak paham, nanti fail exam pstu sedih sebab takleh balik awal macam org len"
pastu bila balik rumah aku akan fikir
"oh, aku kena study betol2 ni kalau tak nanti tak pass test nanti akn drag exam aku, pstu mulalah sedih sebab org len semua lulus"
semua bnda yang difikirkan mesti ada "ORANG LAIN"

maksud aku bukannya nak cakap pergi lecture or study tu buat aku penat, tapi aku penat hidup dengan ada fikiran macam tu.sedih.sebab aku yang dulu tak macam tu.
mungkin sebab pesan senior2 bila masuk tahun ketiga ni "kene pegi lecture","kene study","jangan main2" sebab ramai yg sangkut kat tahun ketiga ni...mungkin jugak aku paranoid sbb tahun2 sblom ni aku bnyak kali fail dan aku rasa kesalahan aku berpunca dr sikap ak sendiri yang suka main2 sangat.

tapi at least, walaupun aku gagal, serius aku rasa tak sepenat hidup macam sekarang.at least tiap2 hari aku bangun bersemangat dengan banyak plan yang nak dibuat dalam masa sehari.aku balik kelas, pastu pergi centrum, jalan2 tak fikir expectation org lain, kadang2 tiba2 je boleh main bowling, g globus, paling teruk shopping baju lepas kelas. pastu bila sampai rumah sempat masak, sempat je study malam tu pastu tidur dengan tenangnya.Aku rindu saat itu. Hidup aku CAREFREE.apa nk jd, jdlah~ tapi sekarang, bangun pagi semangat ntah ke mana, pstu g lecture, rasa kosong kadang2 sampai aku pk apa yg aku dapat, pstu balik rmh penat semacam, rasa rumah sunyi semacam, pstu ada masalah nak tido.

Sedih.sebab dr zaman sekolah dulu aku biasa hidup dengan cara carefree. jd bila aku nak bt perubahan, aku tak tahu mana yg terbaik utk aku.jd, yg aku mampu sekarang ialah, berdoa agar perasaan ikhlas tu cepat datang. amin..

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Kosong

Tidur. Bangun. Pergi Kelas. Balik. Masak. Penat. Tidur.
Necrosis sangat hati ni

Friday, October 4, 2013

Permulaan

Alhamdulillah.Alhamdulillah.Alhamdulillah. atas semua nikmat.

Mungkin nikmat yang jelas aku rasa sekarang ialah dapat menjejakkan kaki ke alam Pelajar Tahun Ketiga.
Siapa sangka pelajar yang hampir kene buang sebab repeat exam Chemistry 4 kali, kene extension subjek Biophysics, sampai lecterer sendiri cakap "This will be tough for you. You really need to work hard", pastu masuk tahun kedua kene repeat pulak Biochemistry 3 kali akhirnya dapat jugak masuk tahun ketiga.

Aku cerita ni bkn nak bkk aib sendiri. Cuma kadang2 nak bagi semangat untuk aku sendiri di masa depan kalau2 lah rasa down sgt atau mungkin orang lain yang senasib atau lebih teruk keadaannya.

Baru je nikmat tu nak dirasai, dua benda aku dah diuji awal2 lagi.
1. Kesihatan. Alhamdulillah mungkin keadaan aku dah elok sekarang. Hypomagnesia. Mungkin orang akan gelak bila tau aku ada penyakit ni. Mungkin orang akan lagi gelak bila cakap penyakit aku ni melarat2 sebab psikologi semata2. Aku tak sedih sebab tu. Aku cuma sedih bila nikmat belajar aku ditarik. Cuba bayangkan apa perasaan korang bila korang nak sangat2 belajar dan faham ilmu Allah tu tapi tak boleh sebab setiap kali korg nak fokus, korang rasa sesak nafas, tangan menggigil tak leh tulis, mata pun tak boleh bukak sebab badan lemah sangat? Hanya Allah je yang tahu perasaan tu. Memng mental kita boleh dikawal, cuma kdg2 benda ni perlukan masa untuk pulih. Bagi org yang tak pernah sesak nafas, mungkin takkan faham betapa paniknya bila tb2 kita tak boleh nafas, rasa mcm org cekik, dan macam nak mati. Mungkin saat tulah kita baru nak bersyukur setiap kali bangun pagi sebab dapat bernafas, dan setiap malam sebab dapat tidur dengan lenanya. Dan saat itu, apa yang aku perlukan sangat2 adalah sokongan. Dan barulah aku kenal sapa sahabat aku.
2. Sahabat. Aku ni memng jenis manusia yang sangat dependable kat org lain. Memang kalu tade sahabat2 ni, aku tak tahu kedudukan aku kat mana sekarang ni. Dan sekarang aku ditarik pulak nikmat utk belajar dengan sahabat aku. Sedih sgt sampai aku tak tahu nak explain mcm mana. Ak faham diorg lagi spttnya sedih sebab bagi aku ujian diorg ni sgt2 berat. Hanya orang yg mampu akn diuji olehNya. Sebab tu aku kena kuat. Kuat utk diorg dan jugak aku sendiri. Dan aku tahu ada hikmahnya Allah tarik semua ini.Utk pengajaran buat aku dan sahabatku ini.

Ya Allah, permudahkanlah urusan sahabat2 aku, dan jugak hambaMu ini serta umat2 Islam.Assalamualaikum.

YOSH!!!

Kech-ING Bel-ING